What do you do when you feel attacked by someone you love?

How should you react when someone very close to you is stepping over your boundaries? 

1. Should you be defensive and explain yourself?

2. Should you try to explain to that person that they are overstepping?

3. Should you be quiet and let them rant? Should you attack them back?

4. Should you walk away? 

Have you ever found yourself in a situation like this? 

I have, too many times, if you ask me, and I’ve tried responding in all these different ways.

I’ve been defensive and I tried to explain myself. 

I tried explaining the other person that they were pushing the boundaries.

I tried just being quiet, not saying a word while they were going and going…

I’ve walked away and, something that I’m not proud of, I’ve also snapped becoming violent and attacked back…

I’ve tried each and one of these modalities with the same person. I’ve gone over and over the same type of situations with someone close to me, and is still up to this day that I’m trying to figure out how to best deal with these types of encounters.

As you might have guessed, the person has not changed no matter how I react to their abuse. And, as for me, no matter how I respond, I feel horrible after each confrontation... 

At the beginning, I was explosive, I would shout and get back and be angry and respond back whenever I was attacked. 

Then, I realized that it wasn't a good strategy not only because it was not working but also because I didn't like how I felt afterwards. 

So, I changed it to a passive reaction, I would just be quiet and not respond back. But this strategy didn't cause any changes either. The only advantage for me was that I didn't feel as bad as when I was shouting back… so it helped me a little but not much.

As the years passed and I started learning more about myself, about empathy, about listening and about being compassionate I changed the way I behave.  

I tried to understand where the other person was coming from, what was that they were feeling, what was their context, what was that they were trying to achieve…I tried to be empathetic and compassionate.

What I noticed with this approach was that it helped me deescalating my reaction, so I wouldn't explode as before in anger. It helped me being a lot calmer during the conflict. 

But, even though being calmer during the situation means progress, I still feel bad after each of these encounters…

And, in every one of these cases, the other person didn't change their behavior, so I feel like there is not real progress about how to stop this from happening again.

I think it was Rachel Hollis in one of her podcast, or maybe in her last book, that she was talking about how to deal with these types of negative people in your life, she was talking specifically about those cases where the negative person is very close to you and you can’t just cut them out of your life. 

Her strategy is about being prepared in advance. It’s about knowing what to expect and visualizing how you are going to react whenever the situation comes up. She suggests having a clear picture and knowing what you are going to do and say before the conflict starts.  

By doing this beforehand preparation, you avoid surprises and minimize how your reaction will be, decreasing the stress generated by the whole situation.

The problem for me though, is that I can never guess what will be the next trigger so it is very difficult to imagine what will happen whenever I am with this person. 

So, I am still trying to figure out what to do. 

You might be thinking that I should just distance myself…and in fact, I have done that. I live in another country with an ocean in between, but even though the get-togethers in person are only once a year, these fights keep on happening for the most unexpected reasons. 

And it annoys me because I’m trying to be my best with them, I’m trying to approach this with love and compassion but I still feel attacked and upset because I can’t make the other person understand and because I don't feel understood. 

I still feel impotent because the other party is not trying as had as I am. The other person is not willing to reason, and I want badly for them to understand me in the same way I’m trying to understand them.

I feel annoyed because it seems like I’m the only one trying to give. It feels I am the only one that tries to work in the relationship and it is freaking frustrating…

I used to wish that they will change, that everything will be different. I know now that this is not going to happen. And I realized that is not healthy for me to continue to want to change them. They are how they are.

So, how in the world am I going to face future encounters? 

To be honest, I don't know the full strategy.

I will prepare myself before I meet with them. I will do my best to foresee what could go wrong. I will envision myself reacting to these scenarios.

Since I am the only one that I have control over, I’ll just keep doing my inner work, I’ll keep growing my compassion and understanding, and that way at least, I’ll minimize my stress and negative reactions if there are any future conflicts…

Now, you tell me, how do you do it?

Do you have anyone close to you that causes you stress? Can you offer any good idea and advice? Have you learnt any good way to deal with negative people that are close to you? If you know a way share it below because I’d love to hear from you!!

xoxo,

Sofia