It seems that these days all that I hear is people telling you to be your true self, to be authentic, to be unapologetically you. 

You can see it in social media, in the videos, all the personal development mentors, the influencers, everyone focused on telling you to BE YOU. 

Telling you to be authentic.

Telling you to be true to yourself. 

Telling you to ignore what others think about your choices, to focus on what you want and ignore the negative comments or critics.

And, all of this is fantastic advice. 

I really think that you should be focusing on yourself and on being authentic and ignoring when others criticize your choices. 

I believe that you should forget the haters and do whatever it is that you want to do that aligns with your values and beliefs. I believe that what really matters, is that you are aligned with your own wants.

The problem, for me at least is, what happens when you don't know what your wants are? 

What happens when you don't know who are you? 

What happens when you aren’t sure of what you want because you’ve been so focused on what others need that you forgot what makes you feel good? 

I know people that don't know what they like.

They have no idea what to do in their free time. They don't know what makes them happy. 

I’ve asked people the question before, what is it that you like to do? And their answer is “I don't know”. 

They’ve been so focused on doing things for others that, when they find themselves with time in their hands, they don't know what to do with it. 

I see this happening a lot with moms. They focus on their families, on their children, on their home, on their work…they spend years doing things, making sure everything gets done and when, one day, they find that they have more time because their kids are out to college or they don’t need them as much, they don't have a clue on what to do.

They spend years worried about other’s needs and when they need to think about their own needs, they don't even know what those needs are. 

Or, they spend so many years pleasing others that when they have to choose between being true to themselves or not, they choose not to. They are too afraid of what would happen if they show who they are.

Of course, this doesn't happen only to moms, to be honest, I don't need to go too far to know how that feels. 

This is similar to how I felt.

Since I was a kid my goal was to make sure my mom was happy, my goal was to make sure people around me was ok. In my child mind I understood that to help keep the peace I needed to avoid conflict as much as possible and if that meant agreeing with others, or not sharing my thoughts, or not doing something, it didn't matter. I chose to keep the peace.

So, for a long time, I was too concerned about what others felt and thought whenever they were around me, I was so worried that I didn’t share myself truly and I didn’t show my opinions, because I was afraid of what would happen.  

So, when I hear someone telling you to be your true self, I cannot avoid thinking, what if you don't know who is your true self? What if you don't know how to find who you are? What if you are afraid of showing up fully you? 

Have you ever felt like this? Do you struggle knowing who you are? Do you find it difficult to be just you? 

Are you afraid of what would happen if you choose to be truly you? 

Are you afraid of what would happen if you choose to speak your mind, to share your ideas, to dress the way you like it, to dye your hair pink, to say no to your friends, to speak up when you should, to be honest with your family, to say that you never liked eating the famous family recipe…?

What do you do then? 

How do you find who you are? How do you know what you like? How do you find the strength and courage to speak up and be you?

I don’t have a magic recipe, but I know what I’ve been experimenting with and I can share that. 

First, I understood that I am not just one thing, I am not reduced to one adjective or one noun, that there is not just a “one size fits all” description for who I am. I recognized that I am a multitude of things, that I can be a collection of attributes, values, beliefs, and that sometimes I can contradict myself and that it is actually ok, I shared how that felt in a previous blog here. 

Second, I looked back at my childhood, I know it sounds like a cliché, but it’s true, seeing what you liked to do when you were a kid will give you an idea of the things that bring you joy. And looking at things that bring you joy, gives you a hint of what lights you up, which in the end is what makes you who you are. This is very helpful also when you don’t know what makes you happy anymore. It gives you a hint about what to explore and try to see if it brings you happiness.

Third, I did a few different personality tests. For me, using the personality tests helped me finding words that defined me. They helped me with descriptions and with identifying different areas where I was strong and areas where I was lacking. it helped me giving concrete names to abstract ideas that I didn’t know how to name. 

Fourth, I did what you would call something like a 360 review. I sent emails to a few friends and to my sisters and I asked them for their feedback about me. This, I found it to be very useful because they will help you recalling things that you forgot, they will share with you characteristics that you wouldn’t consider important because you are so used to them. Having someone looking at you from the outside is very valuable because they can see things that you don’t.

As far as finding who you are, these are the things I tried that helped me defining myself better. 

But, once you know who you are, how do you go about showing up in the world as fully you? Without fear of what others would say or think? 

Well, I’m afraid that there is no easy answer. 

You have to make a choice. 

You’ll have to figure out if you want to live your life on your own terms or in someone else’s terms. Because, when you act based on what someone else will think about you, when you are afraid of not showing up as yourself because of what someone might think, then you are giving them power over your life. 

You are considering their opinion of you more important than your opinion of yourself. 

So, it is not easy, first you need to make the decision of whose opinion you value more and then you need to practice daily. 

Each day you’ll have to break the old patterns of behavior and rethink how you act. 

Think about how would you want to feel at the end of your life, how would it feel when you look back and you see that you lost your time worrying about what others would say? Is that something that you can live with?

If you cannot bear that thought, remind that to yourself daily. Take small steps each day to build up your identity, challenge your default behavior, remind yourself that is ok to piss off others if that’s what is needed! 

Make your choice, after all is your life…

Now, share below, do you struggle to define who you are? Do you know what you like to do? Are you afraid of expressing your true self with others? Let me know, I’d love to hear from you!

xoxo,

Sofia