As I shared before, a few months ago I made a trip to Spain to be together with my family while my dad was having surgery. That trip was stressful, tiring and great… all at the same time. 

The trip was tiring because there is no direct flight. If you count the layovers and time spent in the airports it takes about 18-20 hours and that’s just to get to Madrid. From there to my hometown you need to add another six hours by car…

It was stressful because it was a surgery after all, and even though my dad is in general good health, there are always risks associated with going under anesthesia.

But it was also great, because I actually got to see all my sisters and we had the chance to be together without our husbands, it was like the old times.

It was like the old times and then it wasn’t…

We were together, in the same house, sleeping in the same beds where we grew up, but it wasn’t the same.

I wasn’t the same.

And my sister noticed it. She told me a few months later that she felt I was different.

My first reaction was to say that I was tired, that I was stressed because of the family situation, the surgery, the short trip and long flight...

And, sure, all this is true, all of that made me be out of place...but reflecting back after that conversation with my sister, I realized that she was right, I was different, I am different. 

Somehow, she said, she noticed that I was sad, that I wasn't fully me like I used to be before when we were all living together.

I’ve been thinking about it. Is she seeing something that I don't see? Is she right? Is there anything different with me?

I’ve come to realize that there is truth to her feelings. 

When I go back to my parents’ house, to my old room, to my old friends, to my sisters, I feel sad because I notice that I’ve changed and somehow I feel out of place, things are no longer the same... 

I feel like I am no longer connected in the same way and it saddens me.

I have been trying to grasp that notion. 

It’s a hard thing to explain. 

So, when I listened to Michelle Obama’s book “Becoming” and I heard her taking about her own experiences, I realized she was explaining exactly how I felt. 

She summarized my feelings beautifully in one sentence when she said “I look back on the discomfort of that moment now and recognize the more universal challenge of squaring who you are with where you come from and where you want to go.”

Sooo right and so well said!

That’s exactly my struggle. That’s my discomfort.

I’m right now at the intersection of recognizing that I’m no longer the same I used to be and that I no longer fit in my old environment, I’m still trying to figure out who I am and at the same time I’m trying to see who I want to be in the future and how to get there.  

Do you feel something similar to this? You know that you’ve changed but you are having a tough time reconciling your old self with your new version? 

It’s a difficult space to be in. 

Because somehow you miss being the one you used to be, but at the same time you don't want to be that same person, and you have a vision for who you want to become, which is different from who you are. 

You feel like you’ve lost some part of yourself in the process because you can’t be like you used to be with your old friends and with your family. 

And, what makes this even harder, is that it’s not just tough for yourself to acknowledge the change and be at peace with it, it’s also hard for those around you. 

Those around you might not be totally on board with this transition. They might want to hold on to who you used to be; to the person you were in the past with them.

Because that’s how we are… we like the habitual, we prefer the known, we don't like uncertainty. 

And when someone you know, somehow is now different, you can’t stop wondering, what does that mean for our relationship? Is everything still going to be ok between us, are things ever going to be the same as before? 

So, being at this crossroad is fascinating. How do you go about it? How do I go about it?

I think that for you to be at peace with your change, you first need to acknowledge it. 

Give yourself grace and allow yourself to grieve over who you were. Let yourself be ok with the fact that you are different now. 

And at the same time, recognize that you haven’t totally lost yourself in your transformation. You are who you are because you were who you were at each stage in your life. 

Your past has shaped you into your current version, so that past, your old self will always be with you, you haven’t lost it. 

Again, as Michelle Obama said in her book “Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.”

So, allow yourself to own your story, to own who you were. Be ok with your past. It’s not lost, it's part of yourself forever. 

But also realize that for you to become more, you need to shed your old versions, you cannot grow if you don't let old versions of you behind. 

For you to become your future version, you need to move forward, you need to be always in a state of change. Always evolving. 

Realize that those around you that love you will understand your change. And if possible, make sure you talk to them about your feelings and their feelings, they love you and they will want the best for you, so make them part of your journey. 

Understand that those around you that don't get why you are different are simply afraid of change. And that is nothing personal. You don't need their permission to change; you don't need them to agree with you…

So, for me, I’m still reconciling my transformation, I’m still finding the balance between who I was, who I am and who I want to become. It's my journey and I am learning each day how to move forward…

Now, you tell me, how do you square yourself with your past versions? Have you found resistance from those that know you and don't understand your change? How do you handle those that don't like your new version of you? 

Please share your thoughts below; I’d love to hear from you!

xoxo,

Sofia