A few days ago I was taking some time to reflect about what are the things that I like to do and that I’d like to add to my daily routines.

To help me reflect on that, I took my journal and wrote down “what makes me feel good each day?”.

After writing that, I was staring at the blank page and I couldn’t get myself to write down any answer!

And it’s not that I don’t know what makes me feel good, believe me! I just couldn’t let my mind flow with any answers, I felt somehow blocked…

Then, I remembered what Tony Robbins says: “if you ask better questions you’ll get better answers” and so instead of trying to force my answers in the blank paper, I changed the question I asked myself. 

Instead of asking: “What makes me feel good each day?”, 

I changed the question to: “What would I regret at the end of each day if I didn’t do it?”

And you know what? I started writing down answers…

Suddenly the blank paper wasn’t blank anymore…I had opened up the valve and my mind was flowing with ideas! 

So, what happened there? Why was I able to answer a question that makes me remember the things that I regret not doing at the end of each day instead of coming up with things that make me feel good?

What I think happened is that we are a lot more inclined to remember the bad things than the good ones. 

We are wired to be always looking for the negative since that’s how we kept ourselves alive when we were living in tribes…always on watch just in case a lion would come over and kill ya…

Of course you and I know that we are not living in the savanna anymore and we don’t have wild animals ready to jump and eat us, but our brains are still pretty much wired in the same way as our ancestors' and that’s something that we default to. 

Just think about it, you’ve probably done this before, you wrote down a list of 10 things you wanted to get done and at the end of the day when you looked back at your list, you saw that you accomplished 8 things out of those 10.

And, what did you focus on? 

Well, if you are like me, you probably focused on the 2 things that didn’t get done instead of the other 8 that you did…I know I’ve done that many many times!

Or, you meet someone and shake hands and suddenly see that they have a stain in their shirt…what are you focusing on from that moment on? What will you remember most from that interaction?  

If you are aware that you are doing that, you’ll be able to correct your focus and engage in the conversation forgetting about the shirt, but if you are not…That’s it, you’ll remember the stained shirt forever…you’ll probably even refer to that person by mentioning the stain “oh yes, I remember who you are talking about, the one with the stain in the shirt?…”.

Anyway, before I get out of track, you know that your tendency is to focus on the negative, so how could you use that default negative wiring to your advantage? 

Well, you can use it similarly to what I did with the way I modified my question. You can use that shift to get better answers from yourself and from others. 

You can use the power of “No” to your advantage if you use it strategically. 

Chris Voss really knows how to do this. He’s an expert on negotiations and his book “Never split the difference” is a fantastic resource if you are looking to get better at dealing with other humans, and I would say so, at dealing with yourself too.

There is a section in his book about being beware of “Yes” and becoming a master at “No”. 

He makes the point that trying to get people to say “Yes” makes them defensive. That when you allow someone else to say “No” it makes them feel safe, secure and in control. Because by saying what they don’t want they are defining their space and gaining confidence and comfort so they will listen. 

That’s what I think happened when I reframed the question to myself. Somehow for me, when I have to stop and think and write down in a blank paper what makes me feel good I feel blocked. Thinking about what I love to do daily is tied to guilt and shame because it makes me think that I’m being selfish. I know that this is untrue and tied to old limiting beliefs, but it’s a default thought that I’ve been running for too long and when I asked the question directly it didn’t work.

But when I framed it differently, focusing on the things that I regret at the end of the day, well, I opened up a safe space for me to reflect without feeling selfish about it.

Now, you might be thinking that you don’t have any problem reflecting about what you love to do, or that this is something that doesn’t apply to you. And if that’s the case, I’m happy for you. 

But, chances are that you might come across people in your life that will not respond openly to the questions you ask them. 

There might be friends, family or coworkers that might need to feel more secure and in control and, if that’s the case, trying the technique of reframing your questions to make them think about the “No” answers might just be what they need to open up and start talking…

So, if you have a question that you need answers to but you cannot get a response from others, why don’t you try to reframing it using this technique? 

As for me, I’m still a work in progress when it comes to recognizing accomplishments more often and I’m still trying not to focus on the stain in someone’s shirt…

Now, I’d love to hear from you if you try this type of questioning! Let me know below if you get any results when you let others answer with a “No”, or if you used it to get to know yourself better answering better questions! 

xoxo, 

Sofia