How do you react when life brings you daily struggles?

Looking back at my life so far, I can say I had a fairly easy life…

I have had a few struggles along the way but nothing too big if I compare it to what others have gone through. 

I’ve had issues with alopecia since I was a child, so I struggled with losing my hair and the impact it had in my own image and self-esteem. But I am not the only one in my family that deals with this, so I didn’t feel completely alone and I had my sisters to talk to that knew exactly how I felt since they had the same issues.

I’ve shaved my hair and decided not to wear a wig, so I’ve struggled with showing up as fully me and being confident despite other’s stares. But again, I wasn’t the first in the family to be bald, my younger sister paved the way first, so I didn’t feel isolated.

I’ve struggled as a woman in an engineering field where many times I am the only woman in the room. 

And, I’ve struggled being the only professional woman with a shaved head in the whole building, the whole conference room, the pictures, the meetings, the networking events… 

I’ve struggled finding the balance between my femininity and my masculinity in a professional environment where sometimes is tempting to just “act like the men do”. 

I’ve struggled reinventing myself. I’m an immigrant in this country, I left all my family and friends in Spain and moved to New Orleans, a city I didn’t know in a country I’ve never been. So I had to restart making new friends, adapting to a new culture, creating a new life and a new me.

Then when I had it all figured out, hurricane Katrina hit and I was forced to change again. I moved to Houston and had to build up again a new life in a new a place, new friends, new connections, and another new version of me. 

I’ve struggled finding what I really like to do, I struggled with my health…many things that I had to deal with along the way and many more to come. 

But, the thing is that, in most of these different situations, I struggled, yes, but I had the choice of not going through it. 

Even when I lost my hair, something I can’t control, I could have chosen to wear a wig and not deal with the stares of people or feel like I am the outsider at work, or whenever I enter a room. 

I could have chosen not to go into a predominantly male dominated profession like engineering. I could have chosen not to move to New Orleans. I could have chosen not to move to Houston. 

I had a choice. I chose my struggle.

So, what I cannot even start to imagine is how it must feel when you don’t have a choice.

I can’t imagine how it must feel to have to face a struggle you don’t get to choose every day you walk out of your front door. 

I can only imagine how it must be not to feel safe on your own skin. 

I can only think how it must feel when you are afraid if a policeman stops you while driving.

I can only imagine how it feels when you have to tell your kids that they need to be extra careful because there is people that sees them as a threat because they are black. 

I can only think how it feels to be threatened by someone calling the police on you because they just want to show off their power. 

I don’t know how it really feels because I don’t have to deal with these struggles. My life is easier. 

I can only imagine these situations and try to feel how a black person would feel. And that doesn’t even get close to how they must feel. 

I get angry when I see the videos about racial issues, I’ve always been sensitive to others’ suffering. I get really mad when I see people abusing their power just because they have it.

I get upset and frustrated and I feel impotent when these issues keep on repeating.

I don’t like violence but I can’t say for sure how I would react if I had been suffering the way black people have been suffering for this long. Would I be calm and peaceful? I don’t know…How can I know? 

It’s easy to see the reactions from the outside and call for calmness and peace. But how can you be calm and peaceful when you’ve been dealing with this struggle everyday even before you were born? 

I don’t condone violence, I don’t believe it solves any problems. Negativity and force only bring more negativity and more suffering. 

But, it’s easy for me to say it.

I can go out and live my life without their struggle. I can enjoy a walk in the park without fear.

I can drive and not be afraid of being stopped by a policeman. I am not seen as a threat by others.

When I get home I can relax and replenish my spirit and my soul because I had fulfilling interactions with other human beings. I get to fill myself with good emotions and good feelings daily. I get to share good emotions and feelings daily. So in times when I have to face my struggle, I can pull good feelings from my refilled soul and not feel overwhelmed and angry.

But what happens when your soul gets drained daily?

When every time you go out your tank of good feelings doesn’t get replenished? When everyday you get back home you are exhausted because you had to deal with the daily struggle of being of color?

How can you generate any good feelings to deal with this? From where do you generate them? Your tank is empty, your reserve is gone…and you can only give what you have…and all you have is frustration and anger…

When you don’t have a choice on your struggles, it probably feels like you don’t have a choice about your reactions. 

So, what can I do? What can we do? How do I help? How do we help? I’m still trying to figure out that part. There are movements online, so do a search and look for the ones you want to join and help. You can support with funding, you can show that you care.

You can be open and vocal. Don’t be quiet. 

And whenever you have an interaction with another human being that happens to be of a different color than you, show how you care about them. Be open, listen, be human.

Make an effort to fill up their souls’ reserves with good feelings and emotions, so they have good feelings in storage to deal with their struggles better.

Support them so they feel understood. So they know they are not alone.

So they know they are part of the community. So they stop living in fear. 

So they can choose their struggles. So they don’t have to deal with racial struggles anymore…

xoxo,

Sofia