Three rules to improve your emotional intelligence

Imagine that you have been feeling ill, the right side of your head is giving you problems and your doctor tells you that you need to do an MRI to see if there are any issues in your brain. 

How are you feeling thinking about that situation? Anxious, stressed, worried?

Now think that you are doing the MRI, you don’t like to lay inside that tube that sits so close to your face, you are stressed out, full of anxiety with all the situation. They have you inside that tube for an hour and a half while the machine is making thumb-thumb-thumb and going on and on while you cannot move an inch of your body. 

Feeling the stress yet?

Now imagine that you finished the MRI, the technician walks back in the room to help you get out of the machine and he casually asks you, so, don’t you have pain on your right side?

You are suddenly shock. Now you are panicking, because you just remembered that nowhere in your medical order mentioned anything about the right side of your head. But yet, the technician specifically asked you about that side.

Your mind starts to wonder, what has he seen in that MRI that is making him ask me that question? What do I have in there?

The problem is, you are so shock that you barely answer him, get out of there and then, you are left to worry and wonder what’s wrong with you for the next two weeks until you have the appointment with the specialist to go over the MRI results.

How do you think you will feel for the next two weeks?

Finally, the specialist tells you that there is nothing in your brain and you are fine.

Big sigh of relief!!!

What was all this?

This was an example of someone that had poor emotional intelligence. Besides lack of professionalism, but that’s another discussion…

The technician in this story failed to recognize how stressed you were and failed to recognize the fact that he shouldn’t say anything that would increase your stress. He lacked empathy, one of the major characteristics of emotional intelligence.

You see, when you deal with people (something we all must do unless you live alone in a cave…) I find it’s very helpful to understand how your emotions impact your relationships and how the awareness of yours and others’ emotional state affect your interactions. 

I’ve been increasing my awareness in this area and I want to share three rules that have helped me in my journey of increasing my emotional intelligence.

First rule:

The Golden rule: Don’t make others feel what you wouldn’t want to feel yourself:

This MRI story is what I experienced a few months ago. I was so shocked with the technician comment that when I arrived home I blurted it out to my husband without thinking of the consequences of my words.

I just wanted to feel better. 

But by doing so, I made my husband feel worried and stressed for the next two weeks. I just put him in the same situation I was just put in. I was complaining about the lack of empathy of the technician and I did just the same! (I’m doing a face-palm here…) 

Second rule:

Ask for permission:

I was having a conversation with a friend and she was talking about some personal issues. As I am the one that likes to fix it all, I was listening to her and already figuring out what her “real” problem was, and I was so ready to let her know my opinion about her issue. 

Luckily, because of the increased self-awareness, I stopped before I let the advice come out of my mouth. And what I did instead was asking her if she wanted to hear my advice, to what she replied that she didn’t want to. 

And so I didn’t share my thoughts. 

And the result was that our conversation was uplifting for her because I just continued listening without interjecting and without judging, without thinking on how to fix it, with real connection and empathy, which was all that she needed at that time. 

Third rule:

When in doubt, shut up!

This happened a few weeks ago, and I don’t even remember now what is that my husband and I were talking about. I only remember the feeling I had during the conversation and what happened because it was very interesting. 

My husband and I were cooking dinner together, as we always do, and having a conversation. Then my husband said something that in a previous time it would have triggered me to quickly answer and escalate the situation. 

But not this time. 

What happened was that when he said his remark, in that small gap that you have between the input and your reaction, I was able to pause and reflect on what I wanted to get out of the conversation, I was able to analyze how my response would affect him and the whole talk, and I was able to decide that I would not say what I had in mind. I remember vividly how that moment felt like if I was looking at the situation from an outside point of view, and it felt as it was a long time, but it wasn’t. So, I consciously decided to shut up. And what happened next was that we had a good discussion without getting our emotions run the show. 

As you can see, by increasing your self-awareness, you improve the outcome of your conversations and therefore of your relationships. 

By increasing your empathy, you improve the emotional state of the people around you.

By knowing your emotions and how to regulate them your social skills improve.

So, if you are looking to improve your emotional intelligence, remember the three rules:

·      The golden rule 

·      Ask for permission 

·      And Shut up!

But, if you just want to apply one thing today, I would argue that the most important rule that you can use anytime in any situation and with anyone is the third rule: when in doubt, shut up!

Now, how do you deal with your emotions? Have you tried to increase your emotional intelligence? Do you find it difficult to control your emotions when you are just in the moment? 

Share your thoughts below, I’d love to hear from you!

xoxo,

Sofia