How to stop managing other's emotions

I am the type of person that wants to HELP others all the time. I want to make sure others FEEL GOOD, and I do everything I can to make it possible. 

I want to be liked, and I want to AVOID CONFLICT whenever is possible. I try to smooth out situations to avoid anger and I tend to repress my opinions in order to avoid confrontations. 

I realized that I couldn’t continue with this because no matter what I do, I CANNOT PLEASE EVERYONE and I cannot make everyone happy. 

The same way I don't want anyone to tell me how I need to feel, I need to stop trying to make others feel in a certain way. 

It’s not helpful for them or healthy for me. 

Have you ever felt like this? 

Do you try to help all the time even when it’s not the best for yourself? 

Or do you try to keep others happy all the time?

It was a couple of weeks ago that I listened to a podcast interview of Jillian Teta, and she mentioned something that resonated with me deeply. She said, “don’t try to manage other’s emotions!”.

I don't know why but it was like she was telling this directly to me. 

It felt like suddenly I was woken up with a splash of cold water. 

After I heard it, I wrote it down on a sticky note and I see it in front of me every day.  

I’ve reading that note daily and repeating it every day whenever I’m trying to make someone happy or trying to say something to cheer them up or to avoid confrontation. 

I repeat it silently whenever I read an opinion from other person that it would have impacted me before.

You see, this simple sentence for me has changed the way I deal with others now. 

For me, this sentence has given me the freedom to LET OTHERS BE, and letting me just be myself.

It’s difficult to explain, but after I heard it, it was like I was given PERMISSION TO BE ME. 

I started to feel more comfortable whenever I was in a situation where before I used to try to control the outcome. 

This little mantra that I repeat very frequently now opened my eyes and gave me the permission to let go of expectations. 

I realized that I was always trying to control the outcome of the situation. As naïve as it seems, I was always trying to ensure the other person was happy. 

I knew about this a long time ago and I knew that it was not a beneficial behavior for myself. 

I RATIONALLY knew that it was not a healthy way to approach relationships. 

I knew that each person needs to have the SPACE to be themselves, with all that that means. With all the great, the good, the bad and the ugly. 

But it wasn't until I heard that sentence that I was able to give the space to others and myself to JUST BE.

My old belief, about my need to be liked and be in control and safe, was replaced with the belief that I need to just be and let others be who they are. 

Over the past few weeks I had the chance to see this in action. 

I had a few situations where before I’d have been trying to make the other person feel good, I’d have been giving my GOOD OPINION and trying to smooth things…

But my new mantra came to my mind and I just SHUT UP. I let the other person feel whatever was that they were feeling and I let myself just be. 

And I like what I experienced! 

It’s like I’ve been released of a heavy burden that I gave to myself. 

The WEIGHT of the responsibility of trying to make everyone happy around me was LIFTED OUT. 

And it feels LIBERATING.

I still feel guilty sometimes when I see the other person feeling angry, sad or depressed and I want to reach out and help. 

But then I THINK ABOUT THEM. 

They need their space to process whatever it is that they are feeling. 

If I interfere with that process, I’m not really helping them out; I’m only helping them bury their feelings.

And I know what happens when you keep on burying your feelings…

Have you ever experienced what it is to keep holding your feelings?

How the feelings keep on increasing the pressure inside of you to the point where you feel like bursting out? 

It’s not fun, because when you burst out, it doesn't look pretty... 

Instead, why don’t you process the feelings as they arise? 

Let yourself feel whatever surfaces, even if it is not positive.

Allow the space to process the feeling for a while and once it’s surfaced and out, then, YOU CAN LET IT GO. 

You are not holding on to that feeling anymore and you can move on.

Now, I allow others to go through this process on their own. Without me interfering. 

Whenever I want to say something to them trying to change how they feel, I just shut up. 

I give them space. And so far, it works!

Now, tell me, have you ever felt like you want to help everyone? 

Do you have a mantra that keeps you grounded? 

How do you deal with conflict? Do you avoid it or face it? 

I’d love to hear from you, so please share your comments below!

xoxo, 

Sofia