Don’t try to manage others’ emotions

Last year, I read a lot of new information and amazing books. I received a lot of great insights and advice and I also listened to many hours of great podcasts, audiobooks, interviews and videos from the different mentors I follow online. 

And I was thinking about what was the best piece of advice that I received so far. 

I had a lot of information to sift through to think about what was that impacted me most. But, from all that soup of information, there was one thing that stood out. 

It was a piece of advice I heard from a podcast from Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. He was interviewing Jillian Teta and while she was talking about intuitive eating and how to tweak your diet for longevity, I heard what I consider was the best piece of advice for me and something that has actually changed how I deal with all my relationships. 

She shared a lot of useful things during her interview, but the one thing that stuck with me was “Don’t try to manage others’ emotions”.

When she said this, it hit me like a ton of bricks, because since I was a kid, this is something I always try to do with everyone!

I always try to be the peacemaker; I always try to make everyone happy and feeling good even sometimes at my own expense. I worry when someone is upset and I don't like conflict so I avoid it by trying to play down everyone’s emotions.

Even though I’ve heard similar advice other times, the way she said it, it resonated with me more than ever. 

I realized that I needed to allow whoever I’m talking to, to feel whatever it is that they are feeling. 

I realized that because I don't feel comfortable with the other person feeling angry or sad or frustrated, it is not my responsibility to change how he or she feels. 

I realized that I am not responsible for how someone feels and I need to allow the space for that person to express his or her emotions without me trying to play them down.

And I remembered a very specific example of me trying to do this with my husband. 

It happened sometime last year. 

It was a Saturday and it started with my own emotions going on a roller-coaster. 

That Saturday I broke down. It was at the most unexpected time; at the most unexpected place and the most unexpected thing triggered me. 

We just finished shopping at the Indian store for some spices and incense, and as usual, my husband bought their samosas (a tasty savory Indian pastry), because they are great and he loves them. I also used to eat them before I changed my diet, so I know how good they are… and that’s when it hit me… 

My husband took a bite of the samosa and the only thought running through my mind was “some days are just tougher than others…” I couldn't get this thought out of my mind and I said it out loud, and as I did, my eyes just swelled with tears and I started crying and laughing at the same time because I was thinking about the ridiculousness of the situation… but then, it didn't seem ridiculous anymore, I felt the frustration and the desperation as I was explaining to my husband why I was crying. 

I broke down, four years after changing my diet and following the AIP I was finally letting myself feel the overwhelm of the reduced food choices, and the fact that sometimes I miss my bread and savory pastries… 

But what was most interesting was the fact that I made my husband feel guilty and insensitive for eating it in front of me. Of course, I didn't think that I would cause that effect on him when I broke down. 

And I was trying so hard to let him know that it had nothing to do with him…I was trying to make him stop feeling guilty and bad. I was trying to manage his emotions…

We ended up having a very raw, open and honest conversation. And in that conversation I realized that I wasn't listening to him, that all I wanted was changing the way he felt so I could feel better about myself. 

So, when I heard the advice from Jillian Teta, I remembered this day. I remembered how many times I’ve done this with all my family members. 

I realized that I need to stop and allow others to feel their way through their emotions and I need to allow myself to feel all my own emotions. 

 I realized that this behavior is one of my childhood patterns, that for me to be well and feel loved I need to make people around me be well, even if that is against what I feel or what they are feeling at that time. 

As a child, I was always the good girl trying to keep things smooth, not creating issues and making everyone around me feel well, so I feel safe and loved. 

So, the advice made me think about all this, it made me get out of my world and understand that it is ok for me to be vulnerable, that it is ok for me to feel and let my feelings out. 

It made me recognize that all is well when I let people around me feel whichever way they need to feel, that I cannot control other people’s emotions and that I need to learn to be ok with disagreement, discomfort and pain in others and in myself.  

So now, I am very aware of those moments, and whenever I feel myself falling into the old pattern, I repeat to myself “Don't try to manage others’ emotions”… 

Now tell me, what was the best advice you heard?

Do you have the same issue trying to be the peacemaker?

Are you ok with conflict and disagrements? How do you handle them?

Share in the comments below, I’d love to hear from you!!

xoxo,

Sofia