How to stop worrying about others’ opinions

I read this wonderful quote in my Wayne Dyer’s calendar:

When you become immobilized by what anybody else thinks of you, what you are saying is “your opinion of me is more important than my own opinion of myself”.

I saved that calendar page because this is something I constantly battle. I keep on coming again and again to the same fear “what are they going to think?” 

I have to say that I’ve come a long way from where I started with this feeling. It used to be a lot more present in my daily life. 

I used to choose my clothes based on what others’ impression of me might be. I wouldn’t wear a specific piece of cloth because they might think it’s too modern, or too sexy or too colorful or whatever the reason was…

Thankfully, I’m at a better spot now and I choose my clothing based on how I want to feel, not how others might feel. Halleluiah to that! 

But, clothing was not the only aspect where I would measure myself against others’ standards… 

I would do the same about behaving on a certain way, or about mellowing my reactions not to upset or offend others, or about choosing not to say something if I think that others wouldn't like what I had to say…

I realized that I paralyze my actions and myself because I’m afraid of what others might say. 

I put the brakes on my growth because of the fear of the opinion of others. 

In the same way that we have FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), and YOLO (You Only Live Once), Michael Gervais, ingeniously labeled this as FOPO (Fear of Other People’s Opinions).

In the podcast I recently listened where Tom Bilyeu interviewed him (check it here), he explained how this FOPO is a result of how our brain processes information and the fact that our brain has not been able to evolve as quickly as technology does. 

Our amygdala (our primitive brain), processes information twice as fast as our thinking brain. And its mission is to discern if there is any danger coming at us. The primitive brain is all the time trying to evaluate if what we have in front of us is safe or we need to react (fight or flight). 

The problem is that this primitive brain was working great whenever there was real danger, like a sabertooth tiger hiding in the bush, but in our time and age, the real danger is not life threatening most of the time. And yet, we evaluate all the information we receive in the same way.

So, what are the real dangers in our daily life? What are those things that make us feel in danger? 

As Michael Gervais explained in his interview, it’s the fear of not belonging to the tribe, the fear of being left alone. 

Our primitive brain is constantly looking out to evaluate the micro-expressions we receive from our interactions with others. It’s always on the look out interpreting behaviors and signals we receive at a subconscious level and telling us if we are being well received or not. 

So, we take this information and our brain tells us that if others don’t like us, we will be left alone. And being left alone means dying…

And now, we’ve taken this conclusion from our primitive brain and let it govern our daily lives. 

I don't know about you, but for me, I am eager and ready to let this thinking go away…

It doesn't serve me when I want to grow. It’s stopping me from becoming a better version of myself. 

How about you? Do you feel the same way?

Are you keeping yourself small because you are afraid of what others will say? 

Do you post your status in social media and wait anxiously to see how many likes you have? Sometimes do you shape your behavior to please others? 

You are not alone. We all do this. 

It’s our biggest fear, we are afraid of being alone and not being liked, it’s a primal fear trying to keep us alive. 

But, now that you know where it comes from, what can you do to manage it?

I think the first step is to acknowledge in which areas you are allowing others’ opinions to be more important than yours. 

For me, once I realized the way I was selecting my clothes, I started shifting. I made the process of selecting the clothes more conscious and I started asking myself whenever I did shopping or selected an outfit, what is it that I want to feel? I shifted my focus from others to myself… 

Once you realize which areas are the ones you want to start shifting, you also need to know what is it that you like. What is the outcome that you want to achieve? What are your goals? What is your unique voice?

Sometimes, you’ve been trying to please others for so long, that you don't know anymore what you like. 

So, asking: “What do I really want?” is the second step. 

Even though this step seems easy, it’s really hard, especially if you are not used to listening to yourself. You’ve been listening to others’ opinions for so long, that you cannot hear your own voice anymore. 

You need to give yourself the space to hear your own voice. That voice that has been talking to you all your life, but that you couldn't hear because your dial was on a different channel…

One way to start hearing your own voice again is to honor your silence. To let yourself sit quietly with your own thoughts and just listen... 

Another way to hearing your own voice is through journaling, to let your thoughts come freely into the paper in front of you.

Or, you might have other ways to connect with yourself. I get a lot of ideas and I have great conversations with myself whenever I go for a walk alone. I also love dancing, music and exercise…

Whichever way it is, find a way to CONNECT to yourself. Because that’s the only way to find your unique voice and start honoring it. 

Then, when you can hear your voice coming LOUDLY and clearly to you, you’ll start lowering down the volume of others’ voices. And you’ll shift from listening to them to LISTENING to YOURSELF.  

You will start allowing yourself to shine brighter. You will start valuing your opinions of yourself more than the opinions of others about you. 

You will stop dimming your light because you are afraid it’d be too bright for others…You will exclaim out loud to the world: you’d better buy sunglasses because I’m keeping my light shining on!!!!

Now, tell me in the comments below, have you felt like you are giving too much importance to others’ opinions? Are you always waiting to see what is the response from others to your actions? Do you have clarity about what do you like or dislike?

xoxo,

Sofia