One simple tip to stop yourself before saying something negative

I’m sure you’ve probably heard about the sandwich communication strategy. The one where you sandwich your critique between two praises? The one that is mostly given as a tool for providing feedback to someone?

Let’s say that you see a colleague at the cafeteria and you want to tell her that her dress is not flattering…using this strategy, it would sound something like: Oh, you are looking great today, although maybe a different cut on the dress would make you look slimmer, but that green color really pops your eyes! 

Now, what do you think it will be on the mind of that colleague the rest of the day? The fact that she is looking great or that green pops her eyes? Or do you think she is mostly going to remember that you just called her fat? 

She’ll be thinking all day long that she shouldn’t have chosen that dress, that as soon as she gets home she is going to donate it because she is not going to wear it again and now she hates you because you made her feel fat and horrible…

Or course, the first question is why would you tell someone that their dress is not flattering unless they ask you directly about it? 

Anyway, besides that, let’s suppose that you really want to say that or something similar and negative to someone…

I think that, before you do, it’s important for you to know that in every conversation there is a physical chemical release of hormones and depending on which hormones you release that’ll determine how you make others feel after that conversation. 

As I shared before in another post (check it here ) negative comments spike your cortisol levels (your stress hormone) and it can last in your system for as long as 26 hours… (so that colleague could be hating you for calling her fat for more than a day!!).

But when you make a positive comment, you are triggering the feel-good hormone oxytocin. The problem is that this hormone lasts a lot less in our system… so the effects of the negative comment have a bigger physiological impact on all of us. 

Now, the impact of these negative comments is true not just when you are talking to others, but also whenever it relates to your own self-talk. 

A few days ago, I was listening to a podcast where Trevor Moawad was talking about the impact of negative comments. 

What he was saying is that the negative comments are four to seven times more impactful than positive comments. And that if you actually say those negative comments out loud, they even multiply 10 times more!!!! 

As he said it: “Negativity is a multiple of four to seven times more powerful than positivity. So think about that. If I say something out loud, it’s 10x. If it’s negative, it’s four to seven times more powerful. So when I say negative things out loud, it’s 40 to 70 times more likely that that will happen--or cause a result that won’t be good for me--than if I just didn’t say anything.”

Saying out loud negative ideas will affect you way more than positive ones. 

What can you do then? 

As Trevor Moawad was saying, telling people to just be positive doesn’t work. Is not easy to go from a negative state of mind to one of positivity. 

When you are right in the middle of a difficult situation, the last thing you want to hear is someone telling you to just be positive…

And that is why I like his idea, which is to just shut up.

Whenever you have something negative to say, just keep your mouth shut. 

Don’t say it out loud.

Don’t complain.

Don’t voice your fears out loud.

And you are probably thinking, ok, I’ll shut up, but my negative thoughts are still there…how does that help? 

It helps you because you are decreasing the effect of the negative comments on yourself. And that’s already a big improvement.

Even listening to negative news impacts you way more than you think. According to his research, just watching 3 minutes of news it increases your chances of having a bad day by 27%!!!

Think about that, do you want to have a good day or a bad one? If it is in your hands, what would you choose?

The next step he was proposing was moving from the negative thoughts to neutral thoughts or to truth statements.

I like the metaphor he used: if you are in a car driving in reverse, you cannot just change gears to drive forward, first you need to stop, put in neutral and then switch your gear to move forward. 

Your mind is the same, when you are assaulted by negative comments, the first step is to stop, don’t keep going on reverse down the rabbit hole. Don’t say them out loud. Catch yourself before you speak them up. 

Then, think about any possible neutral thoughts or truth statements. 

So, what would you do the next time you think about saying something negative to someone?

Or, what would you do when you are talking crap to yourself? When you are criticizing yourself, thinking that you are messed up, or not enough or can’t do something or are not smart enough for something, or you don't have what it takes, or you are not courageous or not confident…what will you do then? 

Well, I would say, start by realizing that negativity impacts you and others in ways that are longer lasting that positivity.

Realize that speaking out negative comments affects many times more than positive comments. Think that you are triggering the cortisol response in the person listening (whether is you or someone else) and that will affect that person for more than a day!

So, if you have something negative to say to someone, think twice. Stop for a second. Is it really necessary to share your view? Is your thought going to help the person in front of you or hurt them? Is there a way to share your feedback without hurting the other person? Will your colleague at the cafeteria be happy the next time she sees you? is the sandwich technique really something you want to use?

Or, if you are dealing with your own negative thoughts, try not to complain out loud, don't voice your fears, don’t speak them up. And then, see if you can find a neutral thought to center you. 

So now, let me hear from you, what do you do when you have something to say that is negative? Have you used the sandwich technique to share your feedback? What is your way of dealing with your own negative thoughts? Do you follow a specific system? If you do, please share below, I’d love to hear from you! 

xoxo,

Sofia