Three tips to become more confident

This weekend I gave a talk to a small group of people that are affected with Alopecia, the same as I am. I talked to them about CONFIDENCE and shared a few tips on how to find it back and become more confident and empowered.

When I was preparing the talk, I remembered something that happened to me when I was in my twenties, something that I never shared with anyone because whenever I think about it I just feel so embarrassed…

I decided to share it with them because it was an important moment for me. 

At that time in my life, I wasn’t bald, I had all my hair and looked great, but I wasn’t confident. I was quite shy whenever I had to speak to strangers or ask for anything or share my opinions with others. I was comfortable with friends and family but outside that circle I wasn’t very confident. 

My embarrassing moment happened when I was on my way to visit my older sister, who lived at a different town that was a one-hour bus ride away. 

I went to the bus station in my home town, and I bought my ticket, then I went downstairs to the bus bay to wait for the right bus to come and hop inside…now, don't think about a huge bus station, this is a small one where you can see pretty much all the buses coming in and out…

I sat there, and I waited, I saw a few buses come and go, but none of them had the name of the town I was going to… so, I waited, and waited and waited…

I started to wonder what was going on with that bus, that was not showing up on time. I can’t remember how long I waited before I realized that something was not right…

But at some point, I realized that I had missed the bus while I was waiting right there at the bay… that the bus arrived, unloaded all the passengers, loaded new ones and left and I didn’t even noticed that that was the bus I was supposed to go on… (Please do a facepalm with me…)

I don’t remember the exact steps I took after that realization…I guess I was so embarrassed to realized that I just missed the bus because I didn’t want to ask the driver or anybody else if that was the one travelling to Coruna…OMG… did I just say it out loud? Yes, I missed the bus because I was AFRAID of asking a stranger if that was the right bus…yes…I was in my twenties and I was INSECURE and SHY…

Even though all the exact details are foggy, I clearly remember my sister reaction when I told her what just happened…more embarrassment and humiliation…

Now, the good thing about that moment was that I quickly learned that I needed to get out of my way and ask about directions whenever I was going to travel and I wasn’t sure what to do.  

I also learned that having hair doesn’t mean that you feel confident and secure, because I can say without a doubt that now that I don’t have hair, I am more confident than before and more secure in myself. 

So, NO, looking a certain way doesn't mean that you are confident and secure.

And, YES, you can DEVELOP confidence within yourself (thank goodness...).

The thing is that sometimes we convince ourselves that we would be more confident IF… 

Fill in the blank with whatever is your excuse, “if I had hair”, “if I were thinner”, “if I were taller”, “if I were smarter”, “if I were sexier”, “if I were more handsome”, “if I were an extrovert”… 

Thousands of things can pop up in our minds right now to fill in the blank…

But all of them are related to the same, to not feeling satisfied with who you are right now, not feeling secure in your own skin, which robs you of the confidence within you. All of them are based on the same limiting belief, the believe that you are not ENOUGH.

Looking back at my own story when I was growing up, I can see now that my lack of confidence was rooted in that belief. 

I was always internally comparing myself to others and concluding that I was not enough. I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't the cool one, I wasn't the one that boys wanted to go out with, I wasn't tall enough, I didn't dress up in the latest fashion, I felt out of place. 

This happened first when I was about 7 years old and my hair started falling. I had patches of hair and to cover it up, my mom bought me hats. I was the only one in the class wearing hats, and I felt an outsider. 

Then my hair grew back up, but by then I had broken my two front teeth and the horrible dentistry work I went through back then made go around with two huge front teeth that made me look like Bugs Bunny… needless to say, this didn't help me out feeling confident either…

Luckily, I got the teeth fixed but then I started using glasses, and I felt ugly compared to all my tall pretty friends that got all the attention from the boys…

By the time I was a teenager, I never felt pretty, then I don't even remember why, a boy in our class that was way older than all of us because he kept on repeating the same grade, started calling me “alien”. I still have no idea how that came about, but I do remember the feeling…

Another guy decided to make a comment about my calves, telling me that they looked like the ones from Arnold Schwarzenegger when he is wearing short in the movie Twins...

Now, I am 5’3” and I was about 115lbs when he made this comment, I wasn't big in any way, and all right, I don't have skinny calves, but really, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s calves???? Even though this comment makes no sense now that I look from my current perspective, at that time it made feel very conscious about my legs, adding up to my pile of doubts about myself…

I kept on accumulating all these INSECURITIES…

I’m sure you have your own fair share of stories and insecurities that you have accumulated during your lifetime too.

We all do. We all have our own STORIES.

The question is how do we come out of this spiral of insecurities and become confident and secure and comfortable in our own skin?

I don't know if there is a universal solution, but I can share that for me, there were several things that helped me getting out of the belief “I am not enough”.

On one side, I had my dental work done and fixed my two front teeth, which allowed me to finally love my smile. So, I started using it more often and I started getting the feedback that I had a beautiful SMILE…which kept me wanting to using it more… :)

I made new friends when I started at the university and with their friendship I begun to see myself differently. 

But, what made the real shift was that I also made the decision to shave my head for the first time when I was in my twenties. My hair was starting to fall again and I decided that I didn't want to use a wig or cover my head up, so I shaved it out. 

Even though I was the only one in the whole campus and I felt like everyone looked at me, this, weirdly enough, gave me the confidence to STAND OUT and show up stronger. It was more like defiance back then but it helped me to actually become more confident, by DARING myself to show up bald and just BE ME. 

Slowly, I started feeling better with myself. And when you feel better, you perform better, and you feel the energy to do other things, and you are ok stepping out of your comfort zone, and this makes you feel more confident, so you keep on reinforcing this upward loop of increasing your confidence more and more. 

So, this is my experience but how can you apply this to your life to become more confident? 

First, focus on what you like about yourself. When I realized that other people liked my smile it made me look at it differently and I started liking it. As I started focusing on what I like about me, I started to notice more things that I liked in my body and I stopped focusing on the things I didn't like.

So, I challenge you to look at yourself in the mirror and find THREE THINGS that you LIKE about your body. 

Try it! It might be hard at first, maybe you don't find anything the first time, but if you keep on asking yourself daily in front of the mirror “what do I like about my body?” with time, you’ll start noticing a shift and you’ll start seeing yourself with a different light. 

Second, surround yourself with people that love you by who you are, not by what you have or don't have or how you look like. Get around yourself people that LIFT you up and INSPIRE you to become better. Spend less time with those that make you feel bad with yourself.

And third, no, you don't have to shave your head… but how about trying something that pushes you OUT of your COMFORT zone? It doesn't have to be a big, bold thing, it can be as simple as engaging in a conversation with a stranger, or dying your hair purple, or speaking up at the next meeting… whatever it is, it’ll make you feel powerful because you stepped out of your fear and were able to conquer it, however small the step was. And little by little, that feeling of empowerment and knowing that you can do things despite your fear will build up and make you feel more confident. 

For me, shaving my hair was the big push out of my comfort zone; it was the catalyst to becoming more confident. 

When I shaved my head, I didn't become BALD, I became BOLD. 

Now, tell me, what’s your limiting belief? What’s stopping you from feeling more confident? Have you increased your confidence with time? How did you do it? 

Let me know in the comments below!

xoxo,

Sofia